the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
