If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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