What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
