the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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