Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
