Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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