I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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