my room smells like sperm. sweet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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