haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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