haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
