I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
