This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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