I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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