my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
