I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
