Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
