is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
