watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
