Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize