Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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