i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize