He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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