Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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