when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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