I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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