I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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