As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize