Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
