Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
