roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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