You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You ruined the universe
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize