how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
