I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
