im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
