How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
