We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize