i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
