I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
