By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
