Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So here I am, sexting at work.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
