I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
