Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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