Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
