Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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