so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
