I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
