so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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