Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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