im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
