Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
