hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
