My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
