just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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