I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
