Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
