The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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