Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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