Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
