I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm at about main and main street
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
