i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
