all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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