you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
